A Letter to My Sweet Boy

To my sweet boy,

I want you to know, more than anything, you are loved.  You are wanted.  You are chosen.

We just celebrated Christmas and while our family celebrated the birth of our Savior and enjoyed time together, there was something obviously missing.  You weren’t home yet. You were fervently missed.  My heart longed to have you with us.  As we celebrated your absence was never forgotten.

We are still in the early days of the process to bring you home to your forever family.  We were hoping to be locked in with you for Christmas.  I wanted to be able to share your picture with friends and family for Christmas.  I wanted to declare to the world that I have a son halfway across the world that I am missing on Christmas.  Unfortunately that didn’t happen.  There were a few procedural delays that were out of our control that have prevented that lock from happening before Christmas.  It has all been straightened out and the process is once again in motion.  And I am once again reminded to remember that God is Sovereign.  He knows the timing and the reasons, and I will trust Him.

On the day before Christmas my mind was consumed with thoughts of you.  Knowing that it was 7am on Christmas morning where you are.  Thinking about you waking up not knowing you have a family.  Spending yet another Christmas dreaming about having a mama and baba to call your own.  Dreaming of a mama and baba that would call you theirs forever.  I wept for your Christmas.  I wished with all my heart that I could fix it right at that moment.  But once again, God is sovereign and I need to trust in His timing.  I wish you could have known that you have a family.  You have a mama and baba that already love you, a brother and a sister that can’t wait to have you come home.

I wept again on Christmas morning knowing that where you are the clock was striking midnight, and another Christmas was coming to an end.  Eight Christmases have passed for you without a family to share it with.  We are praying that the adoption process goes smoothly and quickly.  We want you to be home for next Christmas, my sweet boy.  What an incredible celebration that will be!  I pray that this was the last Christmas that you will wake up as an orphan.  I pray that next Christmas is spent surrounded by your forever family.

I love and miss you, sweet boy.  I can’t wait to hold you.  I can’t wait to establish new holiday traditions with you.  I watched so many families that have grown their families through adoption this past year posting photos of their holiday celebrations.  It made me miss you even more.  But it also made me excited for what is yet to come.

Amongst the tears I was also thankful.  I’m thankful that you were surrounded by people that have loved you while waiting for a family.  I know that those caring for you have loved you the best that they can.  I can see it in your smile.

Waiting is so hard, I’m sorry that you’ve had to wait for so long.  And although you aren’t with a forever family you have never been alone.  Psalm 68:5 says, “A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.”  I hold tight to that promise for you, sweet boy.  May you feel the presence of your heavenly baba holding you tight as you wait for us to come get you.

I love you, sweet boy.



One Small Step…..

We received an exciting email today!  Our adoption application has been approved by our placement agency, CCAI (Chinese Children Adoption International).  This is just a small step in our very long journey.  But, although it’s small,  it’s progress.  It’s one small step closer to bringing this little boy home.

We also submitted our next round of paperwork today.  Our Family Worksheet,  our Letter of Intent, our passport like photos, and a small fee to have all of them translated into Chinese.  Once they are translated they will be sent to China to be reviewed by the CCCWA.    (China Centre for Children’s Welfare and Adoption)  We are told that there will be about a two week wait to hear back.  We are hopeful that we will get news at that time that we have been pre-approved by the CCCWA to be mom and dad to this little guy.  Then the next round of paperwork and fees begins.

Our journey is a little different from most adoptive families.  We have started with a specific waiting child.  It flips the process a little bit for us.  For families that do not start with a specific child they must wait until they are much further in the process to be matched with a child and be able to share photos and information about their child.  Because we are starting with the child we will get to that point a little sooner.  I can’t wait. I want to be able to share pictures!  I want you all to see why I’ve fallen in love with this little boy.  Wait until you hear his giggle!  It melts me every time I hear it.  I can’t wait to see his smile and hear his laugh in person. Until then, you can find me watching the one minute video clip I have of him over and over and over……….and I might rewind and replay the three seconds of his giggle more times than I can count.





1.    belonging to or characteristic of a sovereign or sovereign authority;royal.
2.   having supreme rank, power, or authority.
3.   supreme; preeminent; indisputable:


Growing up in church, I’m no stranger to the idea of a sovereign God.  But growing up hearing about the idea of a Sovereign God and deciding to BELIEVE and TRUST in a Sovereign God are completely different.


The first 30 hours after submitting our application for adoption has been a roller coaster of emotions.  I have gone from extreme joy to ultimate fear and back again.  I’ve gone from complete trust to extreme doubt and held my breath through the loop de loop.  A few hours after hitting the submit button I felt like I was looking for a lifeboat.  I found myself googling “adoption panic” wondering if I was the only one to feel this way.  I’m fortunate to have some friends that I trust to give me wise counsel.  I know that they share my beliefs and faith.  They steered my lifeboat last night and early this morning.


One of my biggest worries wasn’t for me and what bringing this little boy into our family would mean for us.  I’m not going to lie, those thoughts have been going through my head as well, but my thoughts are on this little boy.  What happens if the doors close on this process in 3 months and we are not able to bring this little boy home and in the meantime he’s missed out on being matched with another family?  I almost felt guilty for starting the process to become mommy to this little boy.  As if little ole me could thwart the plans that God has laid out.


I’m thankful for a friend that simply reminded me that “God is sovereign.”  Ultimately, He has a plan.  He has a plan for my husband and me.  He has a plan for our grown biological children.  He has a plan for my young son that is 6500 miles away.  If bringing this little boy home is truly meant to be, then I believe that the doors will open.  If the doors close, then I believe that we are following the call that we’re supposed to be following and experiencing what God wants us to experience in the process.  And either outcome, God has an amazing plan.


In my panic, I even reached out to a photographer that I admire and follow on social media.  He has a beautiful daughter, Pearl, with the most amazing red hair who also has special needs.  Their family has been a tangible example to me of seeing God’s grace in action.  I got a message back from him shortly after waking up today.  It was exactly what I needed.  It was my grace for the moment.  What did he tell me?  He told me that I was right, that the path ahead of us might be difficult.  Best of all, he told me to “dig in.”  to “continue to feel everything that you feel like feeling but never get too comfortable with yourself.”  But as much as I needed to hear all of that, even more so I needed the next tidbit of advice he passed on from someone that had passed it on to him who knows how long ago.  That piece of wisdom being, that “while I was trying to change the world, God was just trying to change me. And I think that’s beautiful.”  [If you want to see tangible grace visit ericbrownphoto.com to learn a little bit about Eric and his family.  Then click on the link for disproportionatejoy.com and be ready to be wrecked.  Have tissues ready.  And then visit Eric’s Instagram and witness the Grace of a Sovereign God.  I dare you to go back to the beginning of the story his instagram tells and not see God’s hand.]
2 Corinthians 12:7 (MSG) “My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.”


Even as I finish writing this blog entry God is still reminding me that He is sovereign.  I haven’t visited Eric’s website in months, if not well over a year.  I was clicking through the links in my post to make sure that they work.  I could just tell you what happened, but instead I’ll let you experience this with me……  After you click on the link to visit disproportionatejoy.com click on the link for “Other Writing” at the top of his page and see what the top item is on that menu and then have a read.  Sovereign.


Isa 46:9-11 (MSG)
Remember your history,
 your long and rich history.
I am God, the only God you’ve had or ever will have—incomparable, irreplaceable
From the very beginning telling you what the ending will be,
All along letting you in on what is going to happen,
Assuring you, ‘I’m in this for the long haul, I’ll do exactly what I set out to do,’
Calling that eagle, Cyrus, out of the East, from a far country the man I chose to help me.
I’ve said it, and I’ll most certainly do it. I’ve planned it, so it’s as good as done.
(The Message paraphrases a bit, but I like how this version can be easier to understand.)

Our Journey Begins….

The title to this post is a bit misleading.  Today my husband and I took the first official step in pursuing the adoption of a little boy from China.  Today the “official” journey began.  To be honest, this is a journey that began long ago.

I have always had a tug on my heart for children.  Not long after my husband and I were married we began the process of becoming foster parents.  We felt a call in the direction of caring for children that needed a home.  During that process, we found out that we were expecting our first child.  We decided to move our plans of becoming foster parents to the back burner and focus on our biological children.  Our children are now 22 and 19 years old.  We are on the edge of an empty nest.  During this past year the tug on my heart has resurfaced and is getting stronger.  We began to discuss resuming the process to become foster parents.  Over the summer our daughter served on a short term trip to China with a non profit organization whose mission is to end the orphan crisis in the world.  Her trip was life changing.  It was life changing for her, but what surprised me is how life changing her trip was for ME.  Her trip WRECKED me.  What had been a constant gentle tug on my heart has turned into a full on tug of war.

Today, our “official” journey begins.  This morning we submitted our application and paid the initial application fee for adoption with an agency.  This week we need to also submit our letter of intent, a family worksheet, passport like photos, and pay an additional small fee to have our initial documents translated.  (As a side note, I’m glad that we don’t have to submit our actual passport photos.  I look like I’m mad at the world in my passport photo.  It is time to take a new photo, passport like, but with a smile!)  Most of what needs to be completed and submitted this week is done.  We still need to have the photos taken.  I think we’ll head to the local UPS Store to have those done.  My husband has an existing doctor appointment later this week.  Since a physical exam and doctors report is required for this process, we’re going to take advantage of this appointment.  We’ve printed out the forms required by both our adoption agency and the agency that we are going to work with through our home study for him to take with him.  We’ve begun to gather pertinent documents that we’ll need to have for our home study.

I have so many emotions running through my being right now.  I’ll share some of them with you in future posts.  We’ll also share more about this amazing little boy in future posts.  At the moment we are still waiting to be officially “locked in” with this little boy and are limited on what information we can share.  As much as I would like to be a proud mama bear and share photos of our little guy, I won’t do ANYTHING to put his adoption in jeopardy.

So, welcome to our journey.  It’s going to be a wild ride.